How To Win A Nobel Prize And Then Act Like A Complete Dick
Winning a Nobel Prize and then acting like a complete dick is much easier than it sounds. Once you’ve won your Nobel Prize, you’ll really be surprised how easy it is to be a dick to everybody. The first part, I admit, is the most challenging. First, you have to win a Nobel Prize. I would advise choosing one of the easier ones, like Peace, Literature, Handwriting, or Perfect Attendance.
Actually, you might want to go for Chemistry: the guys who won it last year got it for “the development of the metathesis method in organic synthesis.” My little sister could have done that! (My little sister has a PhD in organic chemistry, and has worked for the last 10 years as an associate to Nobel laureate Dr. Yves Chauvin at the Institut Francais du Petrole in Puell-Malmalson, France, but you see what I’m getting at.) Winning the prize doesn’t have to be the hardest part.
Once you’ve got your Nobel, then all you have to do is start acting like a complete dick to everyone. Some suggestions:
After you fart, don’t say, “Excuse me,” or “whoopsie.” Instead, say, “I don’t think the scientific community quite understands the full impact of what I’ve done here.”
When your boss asks you to change the oil in the fryer, tell him, “There’s no need for me to change this oil,” while pointing to your Nobel Prize with a look of smug self-satisfaction. (Bonus: also works if you’re a Jedi)
When your son gives you a coffee mug that says #1 Dad, tell him, “You’re goddamn right I’m the number one dad! Number one! Number one! Woot! And I don’t need some shitty cup to tell me, either! A little group of guys in Sweden seems to think I’m the number one dad in the field of Economics. Holla! When I say ‘No’ you say ‘Bel’ I say ‘No’ (pause or beatbox while waiting to hear ‘Bel’) All the ladies in the house say ‘Ho!’ N-O-B-E-L! I know science very well!” Then do a headspin and throw the coffee mug out the window.
Buy your kids shirts that say, “My Dad Won A Nobel Prize And All I Got Was this Lousy T-Shirt And The Creeping Realization That I Will Never Live Up to His Impossibly High Expectations.”
When your wife wins an Academy Award tell her, “That’s great, honey. The Oscars are pretty much the Nobel Prizes for people who can’t do shit.”
When people ask if they recognize you from something, say “NO, it doesn’t ring a BELL…” while absentmindedly tapping the Nobel Prize hanging from your neck and smiling ironically. And if they don’t get it say, “Get it? No-bel?” and if they still don’t get it, tell them that they probably recognize you from the Nobel awards ceremony, and if they don’t, tell them that you’ve got it taped.
On karaoke night, sing “She Blinded Me With Science,” but change the lyrics to “I Blinded You With Science (My Nobel Prize in the Science of Chemistry, That Is)” and go around the room hitting dudes in the nuts with it.
Actually, you might want to go for Chemistry: the guys who won it last year got it for “the development of the metathesis method in organic synthesis.” My little sister could have done that! (My little sister has a PhD in organic chemistry, and has worked for the last 10 years as an associate to Nobel laureate Dr. Yves Chauvin at the Institut Francais du Petrole in Puell-Malmalson, France, but you see what I’m getting at.) Winning the prize doesn’t have to be the hardest part.
Once you’ve got your Nobel, then all you have to do is start acting like a complete dick to everyone. Some suggestions:
After you fart, don’t say, “Excuse me,” or “whoopsie.” Instead, say, “I don’t think the scientific community quite understands the full impact of what I’ve done here.”
When your boss asks you to change the oil in the fryer, tell him, “There’s no need for me to change this oil,” while pointing to your Nobel Prize with a look of smug self-satisfaction. (Bonus: also works if you’re a Jedi)
When your son gives you a coffee mug that says #1 Dad, tell him, “You’re goddamn right I’m the number one dad! Number one! Number one! Woot! And I don’t need some shitty cup to tell me, either! A little group of guys in Sweden seems to think I’m the number one dad in the field of Economics. Holla! When I say ‘No’ you say ‘Bel’ I say ‘No’ (pause or beatbox while waiting to hear ‘Bel’) All the ladies in the house say ‘Ho!’ N-O-B-E-L! I know science very well!” Then do a headspin and throw the coffee mug out the window.
Buy your kids shirts that say, “My Dad Won A Nobel Prize And All I Got Was this Lousy T-Shirt And The Creeping Realization That I Will Never Live Up to His Impossibly High Expectations.”
When your wife wins an Academy Award tell her, “That’s great, honey. The Oscars are pretty much the Nobel Prizes for people who can’t do shit.”
When people ask if they recognize you from something, say “NO, it doesn’t ring a BELL…” while absentmindedly tapping the Nobel Prize hanging from your neck and smiling ironically. And if they don’t get it say, “Get it? No-bel?” and if they still don’t get it, tell them that they probably recognize you from the Nobel awards ceremony, and if they don’t, tell them that you’ve got it taped.
On karaoke night, sing “She Blinded Me With Science,” but change the lyrics to “I Blinded You With Science (My Nobel Prize in the Science of Chemistry, That Is)” and go around the room hitting dudes in the nuts with it.
posted by Nathan at 6:52 AM
3 Comments:
Hey, I've got the dick part down!
I've got mine part down, part up.
I like crackers.
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