Pizza Hospital

Approximately 60% of all delivered pizzas arrive at their destination with a serious problem. How often have you had to deal with these common pizza-related traumas: cheese slide, over- or undersaucing, topping loss or “free-float”, crust instablility, unorthodox slicing, crumpling, topping distribution issues, cardboard/cheese adhesion (a.k.a. “box stick”), inaccurate topping-to-cheese ratio, improper calibration, and all the problems inherent in a multiple-meat matrix, including but not limited to clumping, crowding, piggybacking and Wampling’s Syndrome. Any number of things could go wrong, and there’s never been anything you could do about it. Until now. Now you can take that pizza to the Pizza Hospital.

Although it doesn’t exist, the Pizza Hospital is a theoretical solution to all your pizza-related ailments. Carefully trained board-certified Pizza Doctors will evaluate, treat, and cure your pizza in thirty minutes or less. Or more, depending on the severity of the problem. Something as simple as placement of a missing topping (or a “top and drop”) may take mere minutes, while a serious issue such as cheese slide with crust mangle, or an invasive anchovy sterilization may require more involved surgery. Sure, we lose a few patients every now and then, but I stand behind my staff. They’re the finest men and women in their profession, and I’d lay my life on the line for any one of them.

We will accept most major forms of Pizza Insurance, but if you are uninsured or can’t afford to pay your bill, we will still treat your pizza. Because of the Hippocratic Oath. We simply require that you let us eat one (1) piece of it. And a sip of your pop.

The Pizza Hospital:
Deliver us from evil…to delicious.