My Recent Speech on Fire Safety

Hey, who here likes being burned alive? Ha, ha. You don’t have to answer that.

The answer is that of course you don’t because no one does due to the fact that it hurts and ruins your clothes and sometimes kills your family if they didn’t just listen to a very interesting and humorous speech about fire safety.

So now that we’ve talked about the importance of fire safety, and we all agree that fire safety is very very important; more important than flossing your teeth and looking both ways before you cross the street combined, let’s move on to my next topic: fire safety.

Here’s a little secret about fire safety that those fatcats in Washington D.C. don’t want you to know. For years they’ve handed down their judgement from on high, as if they were the ultimate authority on fire safety. They sit up there on Capital Hill and light their Cuban cigars with hundred-dollar bills and get hot-oil massages from Peruvian whores and eat macaroni and cheese as a side dish, not as a main course and pretend that they’re the end-all be-all authority on fire safety. Surely they’d know more than a person who not only read a pamplet on fire safety, but also looked it up on Wikipedia. Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Anyway, the secret is this: If you’re on fire, you don’t have to stop, drop, and roll. That’s right, I said it! The stopping part is completely unnecessary. You can drop and roll from a full sprint, if you like. It’ll do the exact same thing. In fact, it might even put the fire out a little faster. So if you’re on fire, just drop and roll, don’t stop. And don’t stop thinking about fire safety.

So, in conclusion, although fire smells nice, is eerily beautiful, and can make you feel powerful and angry, you should try to be careful with it.