Things My 2-Year-Old Son Would Say If He Actually Lived Up to The Impossibly High Expectations I Have for Him.

“Of course I went poo-poo in the potty, although I don’t know why you insist on using such crass and infantile terminology.”

“So I was hitting the dog with a piece of plastic racecar track, and all of a sudden it occurred to me. I thought, ‘What am I doing? This is crazy. This isn’t me. This isn’t how I wanted my life to turn out.’”

“I see kids eating these sugar-, fat-, and salt-laden Happy Meals and I just feel sorry for them. There's nothing 'happy' about juvenile diabetes.”

“It’s bad enough that Thomas the Tank Engine shamelessly panders to parents with these paper-thin “moral lessons” (makes tiny air-quotes with his fingers) that most kids miss entirely, but it’s blatantly apparent, even to a toddler, that Thomas is little more than a pimp on rails, whoring out his image (if you’ll excuse my mixed metaphor) and his brand recognition in the service of foisting more Thomas-emblazoned merchandise on an unsuspecting preschool audience. Nice try, Thomas, but this is one ‘target customer’ who refuses to suckle at the corporate teat.”

“I suppose I don’t have to spend all my NEA grant money on crayons and paper. Here you go, Dad. Get yourself something nice.”

“Actually, I think your keys fell behind the sofa. Here, I’ll levitate it into the air with my mind.”