High five me, you son of a bitch!
I have done so many high-five-worthy things this week that if somebody doesn’t get over here and high five me, I’m going to start fucking people up.
1) I told a fat guy, “If it gets any colder in this office, I’m going to slice your belly open and get inside you, like Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back.” High five!
2) I took a leak, and then kept stepping farther and farther back from the urinal until my back was against the god damn wall, without spilling a drop. High five!
3) Upon hearing the Michael Jackson verdict, I said, “Looks like he got off’ like he was when he ‘beat it’ when he was with those little boys.” Or something like that. High five!
4) I went out to dinner with my wife and ran into one of my old buddies from high school. He was like, “Is that your wife?” and I was like, “Fuck no!” then I grabbed my wife, put her in a headlock and farted in her face. High five!
5) I spent like three days writing the letter to my father that I have been meaning to write ever since I was a child. I finally told him how I felt about him, and how I felt that he always unfairly compared me to my brother. That maybe I wasn’t an athlete, maybe I wasn’t a conservative Republican, maybe I wasn’t some big shot doctor or something, but I still loved him. And that if he couldn’t see what a great person I had become, that it was his loss. He called me and asked, “Did you write this faggy letter, faggot?” and although I was holding back the tears on the inside; on the outside, I was like, “Huh? I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” High five!
6) I went to Old Country Buffet and took one drink of their crappy coffee, spit it out onto the sneeze guard, then poured the rest into the macaroni and cheese. Fuck ‘em for not having better coffee, right? High five!
1) I told a fat guy, “If it gets any colder in this office, I’m going to slice your belly open and get inside you, like Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back.” High five!
2) I took a leak, and then kept stepping farther and farther back from the urinal until my back was against the god damn wall, without spilling a drop. High five!
3) Upon hearing the Michael Jackson verdict, I said, “Looks like he got off’ like he was when he ‘beat it’ when he was with those little boys.” Or something like that. High five!
4) I went out to dinner with my wife and ran into one of my old buddies from high school. He was like, “Is that your wife?” and I was like, “Fuck no!” then I grabbed my wife, put her in a headlock and farted in her face. High five!
5) I spent like three days writing the letter to my father that I have been meaning to write ever since I was a child. I finally told him how I felt about him, and how I felt that he always unfairly compared me to my brother. That maybe I wasn’t an athlete, maybe I wasn’t a conservative Republican, maybe I wasn’t some big shot doctor or something, but I still loved him. And that if he couldn’t see what a great person I had become, that it was his loss. He called me and asked, “Did you write this faggy letter, faggot?” and although I was holding back the tears on the inside; on the outside, I was like, “Huh? I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” High five!
6) I went to Old Country Buffet and took one drink of their crappy coffee, spit it out onto the sneeze guard, then poured the rest into the macaroni and cheese. Fuck ‘em for not having better coffee, right? High five!
posted by Nathan at 8:13 AM
2 Comments:
7. You made a friend laugh into a fart too. High five! (Too bad you weren't around on the 21st of April!)
You know what? On Home Movies last night (this morning... I couldn't sleep) they were high fiving each other all over the place.
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