Proposed Replacement Phrases for Overused Corporate Lingo

Formerly: Gain alignment
Proposed: Achieve slippage

Formerly: On a go-forward basis
Proposed: Until Shilvaroth the Devourer of Worlds rises from the dark cavern of Ulthrea and fulfils the prophecy.

Formerly: Touchbase
Proposed: Dickwhittle

Formerly: Keep it on your radar
Proposed: I’m sick of you, Vanessa. I’m sick of you and I’m sick of your shit.

Formerly: Please advise…
Proposed: Slip the crack, make a snack, then send it back, Jack!

Formerly: I’ve got a lot on my plate right now
Proposed: Whatever happened to Mark Linn-Baker? He was so funny on Perfect Strangers.

Formerly: Let’s discuss that offline
Proposed: My eyes! My eyes!

Ways my office would be different if it were completely submerged underwater (And one way in which it would be the same).

Less important to remember to put paper into the recycle bin rather than the garbage can.

Harder to blow the fuzz out of my mouse.

Playing field between me and Sea Monkeys on my desk leveled.

More pencil use; less pen use.

Less likely I’ll accidentally unplug my computer by tripping over the power cable.

Fewer trips to the restroom.

No more obsessively de-crisping the gel in my hair for the first hour of work.

Previously unused filing cabinet now used for kick-turns.

Probably more acceptable to take your shoes off.

Equal feeling of crippling suffocation.

Pizza Hospital

Approximately 60% of all delivered pizzas arrive at their destination with a serious problem. How often have you had to deal with these common pizza-related traumas: cheese slide, over- or undersaucing, topping loss or “free-float”, crust instablility, unorthodox slicing, crumpling, topping distribution issues, cardboard/cheese adhesion (a.k.a. “box stick”), inaccurate topping-to-cheese ratio, improper calibration, and all the problems inherent in a multiple-meat matrix, including but not limited to clumping, crowding, piggybacking and Wampling’s Syndrome. Any number of things could go wrong, and there’s never been anything you could do about it. Until now. Now you can take that pizza to the Pizza Hospital.

Although it doesn’t exist, the Pizza Hospital is a theoretical solution to all your pizza-related ailments. Carefully trained board-certified Pizza Doctors will evaluate, treat, and cure your pizza in thirty minutes or less. Or more, depending on the severity of the problem. Something as simple as placement of a missing topping (or a “top and drop”) may take mere minutes, while a serious issue such as cheese slide with crust mangle, or an invasive anchovy sterilization may require more involved surgery. Sure, we lose a few patients every now and then, but I stand behind my staff. They’re the finest men and women in their profession, and I’d lay my life on the line for any one of them.

We will accept most major forms of Pizza Insurance, but if you are uninsured or can’t afford to pay your bill, we will still treat your pizza. Because of the Hippocratic Oath. We simply require that you let us eat one (1) piece of it. And a sip of your pop.

The Pizza Hospital:
Deliver us from evil…to delicious.

Dubious Claims

“It was raining so hard this morning, I had to find my way to work by sense of smell.”

“You know why the chili here is so good, don’t you? They put orphan tears in it.”

“I wouldn’t get an Irish Setter if I were you. Aside from humans, they’re the only member of the animal kingdom that has sex for money.”

“I saw this thing on the History Channel last night, and it said that in the 1960s, the U.S. Treasury issued a $1.35 bill, $1.35 being the average cost of most consumer goods at the time. It was essentially a $1.00 bill with a quarter and a dime taped to it, and it was only in circulation for about three months before they realized how easy it was to counterfeit.”

“By the age of 14, the average American child has seen over 15,000 murders in person.”

“Yeah, I used to buy Snapple, too. Then I found out that in the factory, they let pedophiles swim in it.”

“The best cure for hiccups? Eat a bible.”

My Recent Speech on Fire Safety

Hey, who here likes being burned alive? Ha, ha. You don’t have to answer that.

The answer is that of course you don’t because no one does due to the fact that it hurts and ruins your clothes and sometimes kills your family if they didn’t just listen to a very interesting and humorous speech about fire safety.

So now that we’ve talked about the importance of fire safety, and we all agree that fire safety is very very important; more important than flossing your teeth and looking both ways before you cross the street combined, let’s move on to my next topic: fire safety.

Here’s a little secret about fire safety that those fatcats in Washington D.C. don’t want you to know. For years they’ve handed down their judgement from on high, as if they were the ultimate authority on fire safety. They sit up there on Capital Hill and light their Cuban cigars with hundred-dollar bills and get hot-oil massages from Peruvian whores and eat macaroni and cheese as a side dish, not as a main course and pretend that they’re the end-all be-all authority on fire safety. Surely they’d know more than a person who not only read a pamplet on fire safety, but also looked it up on Wikipedia. Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Anyway, the secret is this: If you’re on fire, you don’t have to stop, drop, and roll. That’s right, I said it! The stopping part is completely unnecessary. You can drop and roll from a full sprint, if you like. It’ll do the exact same thing. In fact, it might even put the fire out a little faster. So if you’re on fire, just drop and roll, don’t stop. And don’t stop thinking about fire safety.

So, in conclusion, although fire smells nice, is eerily beautiful, and can make you feel powerful and angry, you should try to be careful with it.