Knock-Knock 2005

Knock knock.
-Who’s there?
Nathan.
-Nathan who?
Nathan Thornton, from high school. Is this Jason Johnson?
-Yeah, it’s been forever, man! What have you been up to?
Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of that. Things are going pretty good for me, how about you? Are you still in the Merchant Marines?
-No, man. That’s actually quite an interesting story. I’ll have to tell you about it some time.
No, that’s OK. Listen, do you like knock-knock jokes?
-Not really.
Oh, never mind then. I’ll talk to you later.
-Take care.

Knock knock.
-Who’s there?
Bil.
-Bil who?
Bill.

Knock knock.
-Who’s there?
Banana.
-Banana who?
Knock knock.
(Growing suspicious) -Who’s there?
Banana.
(Quietly reaching under the table for the dagger in his boot) -Banana who?
Knock knock.
(Placing one hand quietly on the table, the other on the dagger, ready to strike, ready for anything. Just stay cool, man. Just keep smiling and act like everything’s just fine. It’s all as cool as a cool cool breeze. We're just two guys talking here. Two guys having a couple of laughs. Jesus Christ, your heart’s beating so hard, you swear that twisted psycho can hear it. Remember your training. Remember to breathe, man.) -Who’s there?
Banana.
(This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening. God, is it really that fucking hot in here? I’m dying. OK. OK. Just keep it together, and let’s do this fucking thing. Draw your energy to the center. Moving, be like water. Still, be like a mirror. Respond like an echo.) -Banana who?
Knock knock.
(All right, it’s go time, asshole! Alert level: double crimson! Unseal Attack Formation Epsilon!) -Who’s there?
Orange.
(Stand down! Repeat: Stand down!) -Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say “banana”?
-All right...you got me. That’s a pretty good one.


Knock knock.
-Who’s there?
You.
-Wow, that’s trippy. How did you do that?
You mean, “how did I do that”?
-That makes me think.

Knock knock.
-Who’s there?
…
(goes and sits back down on the couch)
Knock knock.
-Who’s there?
…
-Real funny. Grow up, guys.

Robot Personal Ads

Key:
S – Single
H – Humanoid
Mt – Metallic
Pl – Plastic
MP – Mostly plastic
Rec – Post-consumer recycled parts
M – Roughly hewn into approximation of “male” form
F – Roughly hewn into approximation of “female” form
SO – Sex organs
DSO – Detachable sex organs
FSO – Flamethrower sex organs
W – Has wheels for feet
Tnk – Has tank track for feet
Rd – Has built-in radio
Bp – Speaks in beeps
Kl – Permanently set on ‘kill’
NoLo – Does not have the ability to feel love

This week, as always, there are no Robot Personal Ads, because robots do not have the ability to feel love.

How To Win A Nobel Prize And Then Act Like A Complete Dick

Winning a Nobel Prize and then acting like a complete dick is much easier than it sounds. Once you’ve won your Nobel Prize, you’ll really be surprised how easy it is to be a dick to everybody. The first part, I admit, is the most challenging. First, you have to win a Nobel Prize. I would advise choosing one of the easier ones, like Peace, Literature, Handwriting, or Perfect Attendance.

Actually, you might want to go for Chemistry: the guys who won it last year got it for “the development of the metathesis method in organic synthesis.” My little sister could have done that! (My little sister has a PhD in organic chemistry, and has worked for the last 10 years as an associate to Nobel laureate Dr. Yves Chauvin at the Institut Francais du Petrole in Puell-Malmalson, France, but you see what I’m getting at.) Winning the prize doesn’t have to be the hardest part.

Once you’ve got your Nobel, then all you have to do is start acting like a complete dick to everyone. Some suggestions:

After you fart, don’t say, “Excuse me,” or “whoopsie.” Instead, say, “I don’t think the scientific community quite understands the full impact of what I’ve done here.”

When your boss asks you to change the oil in the fryer, tell him, “There’s no need for me to change this oil,” while pointing to your Nobel Prize with a look of smug self-satisfaction. (Bonus: also works if you’re a Jedi)

When your son gives you a coffee mug that says #1 Dad, tell him, “You’re goddamn right I’m the number one dad! Number one! Number one! Woot! And I don’t need some shitty cup to tell me, either! A little group of guys in Sweden seems to think I’m the number one dad in the field of Economics. Holla! When I say ‘No’ you say ‘Bel’ I say ‘No’ (pause or beatbox while waiting to hear ‘Bel’) All the ladies in the house say ‘Ho!’ N-O-B-E-L! I know science very well!” Then do a headspin and throw the coffee mug out the window.

Buy your kids shirts that say, “My Dad Won A Nobel Prize And All I Got Was this Lousy T-Shirt And The Creeping Realization That I Will Never Live Up to His Impossibly High Expectations.”

When your wife wins an Academy Award tell her, “That’s great, honey. The Oscars are pretty much the Nobel Prizes for people who can’t do shit.”

When people ask if they recognize you from something, say “NO, it doesn’t ring a BELL…” while absentmindedly tapping the Nobel Prize hanging from your neck and smiling ironically. And if they don’t get it say, “Get it? No-bel?” and if they still don’t get it, tell them that they probably recognize you from the Nobel awards ceremony, and if they don’t, tell them that you’ve got it taped.

On karaoke night, sing “She Blinded Me With Science,” but change the lyrics to “I Blinded You With Science (My Nobel Prize in the Science of Chemistry, That Is)” and go around the room hitting dudes in the nuts with it.