What I’ve Learned…
Some people call them “problems,” but I call them “opportunities.” Some people call them “strangers,” but I call them “friends I haven’t met yet.” Some people call them “coffee cups,” but I call them “skyscrapers.” Words were never my strong suit.
Don’t be fooled into completing this sentence: “My father kisses like a…”
There’s a reason they don’t have an aisle in the grocery store for “Foods easily inserted into the anus.”
Take the money you would have spent on two expensive whores and get ten cheaper whores.
There are two kinds of people in the world.
When children are selling cookies for “a small donation,” they are actually giving cookies away for “free.”
A real genie wouldn’t ask for your credit card number.
Always hire people who are smarter than you are. Then when you fire them, say “Who’s the smart one now, Einstein?”
It took science over two thousand years to create the Watermelon Jolly Rancher. And it doesn’t taste a thing like a fucking watermelon.
Every time you have a bowel movement, measure it and write down the size and weight in a leather-bound journal. That way they’ll have to believe you.
If you complete surgery and there are two hearts sitting on the table, you fucked up.
If you think about it, blowjobs aren’t really that great. Unless you’re receiving one.
Some people look at what is and ask “why?” I look at what could be and ask “What were we talking about again?”
Don’t be fooled into completing this sentence: “My father kisses like a…”
There’s a reason they don’t have an aisle in the grocery store for “Foods easily inserted into the anus.”
Take the money you would have spent on two expensive whores and get ten cheaper whores.
There are two kinds of people in the world.
When children are selling cookies for “a small donation,” they are actually giving cookies away for “free.”
A real genie wouldn’t ask for your credit card number.
Always hire people who are smarter than you are. Then when you fire them, say “Who’s the smart one now, Einstein?”
It took science over two thousand years to create the Watermelon Jolly Rancher. And it doesn’t taste a thing like a fucking watermelon.
Every time you have a bowel movement, measure it and write down the size and weight in a leather-bound journal. That way they’ll have to believe you.
If you complete surgery and there are two hearts sitting on the table, you fucked up.
If you think about it, blowjobs aren’t really that great. Unless you’re receiving one.
Some people look at what is and ask “why?” I look at what could be and ask “What were we talking about again?”
posted by Nathan at 1:33 PM
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