Shucksy McTurnbuckle's Original Awesome Machine

Introducing my new chief of villain security

2008-07-01T12:59:00.001-07:00

At Newsgroper.

Actually, we oppose all Tom Hanks movies

2008-06-24T08:24:00.001-07:00

At newsgroper.com

Why is everything so recent these days?

2008-06-24T08:23:00.001-07:00

At newsgroper.com

John McCain Fans Suck Balls (Compared to Dane Cook Fans)

2008-06-24T08:22:00.001-07:00

At newsgroper.com

Which Saved By The Bell Character Are You?

2008-04-25T07:48:00.000-07:00

At Yankee Pot Roast.

Poor Robots

2008-03-20T07:32:00.000-07:00

The worst part about being a robot would be having a really shiny metallic face, because everybody could see if you were looking at the Internet instead of doing your work.

Cowboy Deaths, in Descending Order of Degree of Dignity

2008-02-28T09:40:00.000-08:00

At McSweeney's.

The Funniest Guy I Know

2008-02-18T08:16:00.000-08:00

My buddy Dwayne could read from the phone book and it would still be hilarious. Of course, it's mostly because he lives in the same town as a guy named "Dick Face."

Profiles in Local Courage: A NewsNetwork 10 Exclusive.

2008-02-06T08:29:00.000-08:00

ARCHER STERLING: Good morning, and welcome to the Early Edition of NewsNetwork 10 News: Your first source for local news, from Napiersburg to Ditmer Lake and throughout the tri-county region. NewsNetwork 10: Where more people get the news that matters, first. Updates every hour, and traffic and weather on the 5s and 9s. Along with Kelly LaMonica, I’m Archer Sterling, of course. Good Morning, Kelly.

KELLY LAMONICA: Good Morning, Archer. Can you believe the weather out there this morning?

ARCHER: Ha ha, you’re not kidding! But on a much more serious note, we’re joined this morning by Kyle Baldridge, a man that many are calling…a hero. Good morning, Kyle.

KYLE: Good Morning.

ARCHER: First thing’s first, Kyle. I’ve just got to ask you: What do you think of our new digs here?

KYLE: Um, it’s nice.

ARCHER: The designers say that it’s supposed to feel residential, but if you ask me, I think it’s a little too Oprah-y.

KELLY: Now don’t you start on this again. (laughs)

ARCHER: All right, all right. Now, Kyle, My producer tells me that up until now, you’ve been very reluctant to talk to the media about your heroic role in the tragic Wilson Road Arby’s fire. What made you change your mind? Did you get caught up in the excitement of being on television? It can be quite a thrill – and obviously I would know.

KYLE: I wanted to honor the memories of those who lost their lives in the fire. I lost four of my coworkers that day, four of my friends. They were truly some of the greatest people I’ve ever known.

ARCHER: There’s no question that it’s a tragedy. No question. Now let me ask you: why did you choose NewsNetwork 10? Did you feel more comfortable talking with the news team voted “Most Trusted News Team” in the Tri-County Shopper’s annual Readers’ Poll?

KELLY: “Most Trusted” three years in a row, Arch.

ARCHER: Ha ha. You won’t hear me bragging, Kelly. But Kyle, people are asking: “Why NewsNetwork 10?” Were you confident that only the NewsNetwork 10 team could present your story with the compassion it deserves? Were you as shocked and saddened as the rest of us by the insensitive remarks ActionCenter NBC8 anchor Curt Custer made about the Arby’s tragedy on last Tuesday’s newscast?

KYLE: Uh, I don’t know. The fact is, some good people died that night, Archer. I don’t want the world to forget that.

ARCHER: Without a doubt. Some folks are calling you a hero, Kyle. Is that a word you’d use to describe yourself? A lot of people want to call me a hero for being first on the scene with late breaking news as it happens, in real time. But the way I see it, I’m just a simple newsman doing my job. How about you, though? Are you a hero?

KYLE: Well, I don’t know about “hero.” I just did what seemed right at the time. I knew that there were people in danger and I was really just acting on instinct.

ARCHER: Exactly. It’s like I said, I’m no hero either. Just a simple newsman. Doing my job.

KYLE: Am I supposed to…

ARCHER: Let me take you back to that night, Kyle. You step out of the walk-in cooler and the Arby’s is filled with clouds of thick black smoke. People are screaming; they’re panicking. Without thinking, you grab Theresa Duntz and race for the exit. Flames are licking at your dirty Arby’s shoes, burning embers are falling onto the shoulders of your threadbare Arby’s uniform, the heat is unimaginable. In the midst of all that chaos, did it ever cross your mind, even for a moment, that you’d be on TV talking to NewsNetwork 10’s Archer Sterling just six days later?

KYLE: Um, I didn’t…I wasn’t really thinking about any of that, I guess.

ARCHER: From the night shift at Arby’s to this. A simple guy like you. It’s an incredible story. And as a testament to your valiant bravery in the face of extreme peril without any regard for your own personal safety, we’d like to invite you to stick around and introduce the NewsNetwork 10 “Perfect 10” Pet Corner Pet Photo of the Week.

KYLE: Okay.

ARCHER: Thank you, Kyle. When we return, we’ll get a visit from the cat that many are calling…a hero. It’s a story you’ll only see on NewsNetwork 10: Where more people get the news that matters, first. Updates every hour, and traffic and weather on the…do you want to do it, Kyle?

KYLE: 5s and 9s.

ARCHER: Ha ha. We’ll be back with traffic and weather on the 5s and 9s.

Schools In Crisis: Are Our Children Learning Good?

2008-01-30T05:34:00.000-08:00

I was watching my local news scroll of school closings and delays and to my horror, I saw the following listing: NO AM KINDERGARTEN. I was outraged! Even a preschool teacher should know that it's NO IS KINDERGARTEN, or preferably NO, ISN'T KINDERGARTEN.

Schools, I'm watching you.

Confessions of a Book Lover

2008-01-28T13:01:00.000-08:00

I love books. Love 'em. Sometimes after I finish reading a book, I'll hold it in front of me, bury my head deep into it and just breathe in its essence (Fun Fact: Many books smell kind of like Fritos!) You know what else I'll do sometimes? I'll take off all my clothes and pile a bunch of books all around me. I'll sit very still and pretend that I'm a book too, just sitting on a shelf with all my brethren. We watch and we wait, hoping that the next passer-by will select one of us. "Pick me! Pick me!" I'll shout. "I'm the best one! I'm a Victorian-era coming of age novel! I've got gorgeous imagery!" Until then, we remained locked in the eternal brotherhood of bookdom. We sit, frozen in time in a place between being and unbeing. Existing in a state of otherworldliness - unbroken by human interference. We contain oceans! We contain mountains! We offer you bliss and misery! We bring you worlds of pain and pestilence! We bring you unbounded hate! Crack our spines! Taste our fetid meat! Enter us! Penetrate us! Feast on our black souls!

I guess what I'm saying is, in this crazy messed-up world of ours, books are about the only things that keep me sane.

Buffalo Wing Sauces At The James Joyce Theme Restaurant

2008-01-10T13:11:00.000-08:00

Mild

Medium

Hot

Scrotumtightening

Embarrassing Costumes My Dad Wore On Trick-Or-Treat Night

2007-11-02T08:04:00.001-07:00

At McSweeneys.net

How I Can Tell My Wife Is Getting A Little Older

2007-09-20T05:51:00.000-07:00

The other day, she told me an old wives' tale.

This I Believe

2007-09-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

You know how every once in a while, out of nowhere, you’ll catch a strange scent in the air, or get a weird taste in your mouth, and it’s accompanied by an urgent, suddenly all-consuming thought like, “If I were to eat a spoonful of ranch dressing right now, it would give me super powers.” The only possible explanation for this is that’s it’s absolutely the truth. At that moment, while you believed it, ranch dressing would have given you the the superstrength and the ability to fly. And you blew it. Like usual.

A Letter From My Future Self

2007-08-07T12:29:00.001-07:00

At Monkey Bicycle.

Grad School Snaps

2007-06-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

The second in an ongoing series.
Sorted by discipline.

American History

"Your momma's so bald, she has more wigs than Congress during the Zachary Taylor administration!"

Grad School Snaps is a joint production of Blogger.com and McTurnbuckle Enterprises. Made possible thanks to a generous grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, and the support of readers like you.

Whatshisname

2007-06-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

My grasp of foreign languages isn't perfect, but if I'm translating it correctly, I think "Shia Labeouf" would be a great name for a French pornstar.

Either way, he could have starred in Holes.

Introducing Awesome / Not Awesome

2007-05-10T08:27:00.000-07:00

We here at the Awesome Machine are proud to introduce our new sister blog: Awesome / Not Awesome. The goal of the project is to take everything in the world, one at a time, and decide whether it is awesome, or not awesome.

The other blog has the same staff, the same strict posting schedule, and a similarly eye-catching design. Hope you like it. But if you don’t, I’m sure one of my other two readers will.

Click the title.

Update from the Humor Council

2007-05-04T06:51:00.000-07:00

It has recently come to light that it is no longer funny for white people (or black people, for that matter) to use the word "beeotch" under any circumstances. In fact, it was only funny about four or five times, and those all occurred over 10 years ago.

That is all.

Customer Service Letter

2007-04-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Customer,

We have noticed that you haven’t used your Store credit card in a while. You didn’t think we would find out, did you? But we did. We always do. Because we’re always watching. The store is full of cameras, as you probably know. And there’s guys whose job it is to just watch those cameras all the time. And there’s cameras on those guys, too. And guys who watch those guys, and cameras on those guys. And so on. And in our offices, there's a wall that has over 100 monitors in it, so we see everything. We also get like a million cable channels. And free pay-per-view.

We’ve also got computers. Enormous computers. Computers that can talk. Computers the size of your house, and they’re always on: compiling data, crunching numbers, looking for patterns, getting warm, having their fans turn on.

Every time you make a purchase on your Store credit card, the register sends an electronic signal through the telephone wires. Your purchase is printed on a little punchcard that gets sent to a remote warehouse full of cages. In those cages are pigeons. Pigeons with bottles in their claws. Your punchcard goes into a bottle, the pigeon is released, it flies over the ocean and drops it in. The bottle rides the ocean currents until it reaches us. Then we know. And we smile.

But when you don’t make a purchase, your pigeon gets anxious. It gets nervous. It paces back and forth in its cage, wondering when his number will come up. When enough time passes without a purchase, the pigeon goes into a toxic rage, wildly thrashing against the walls of his cage until he literally tears off his own beak, wings and reproductive organs. It’s a mess.

We know you think that using your Store credit card too often is for pussies. We know you hate birds (obviously). But you haven’t used your Store credit card in like five months, and you only spent like 25 dollars. Come on! Just use the goddamn card. You could use some new pants or something, we bet. It just sucks that you're being like this, you know? You used to be cool. You've changed.

Quit being an asshole.

Shirts are on sale.

Hope to see you soon!
Your Store

Warning Label Copy That Would Benefit From Tighter Editing

2007-03-16T10:26:00.001-07:00

Careful, the beverage you’re about to enjoy may be extremely hot. And there’s a good chance you won’t even enjoy it, actually. You know how it has that real fake-y tasting peanut butter flavor sometimes? I’ll bet it is hot, though.

This program contains material that parents may find unsuitable for younger children, including violence and suggestive language. Plus, it’ll take you about five seconds to figure out that the vice-president was behind the bombings the whole time. Check out the way he keeps looking at his watch during the meeting. It’s pretty obvious.

Side effects are generally mild and may include nausea, vomiting, insomnia, abnormal dreams, impotence, abnormal ejaculation, difficulty…actually, there’s lots more, but you probably stopped reading these right around “abnormal dreams” and “abnormal ejaculation.” I know I would have, because…yikes. Something tells me that “abnormal” doesn’t tell the full story.

Swim at your own risk. No lifeguard on duty. But honestly, if one were, he’d probably just be texting his girlfriend or something. It’s like these kids don’t even care.

Improper and/or negligent use of this product may result in serious injury or death to yourself and others. It could be just about any product, really. The other day, my wife cuts her finger open on the paper towel thing. I was like, how in the…?

Grad School Snaps

2007-03-12T08:15:00.000-07:00

The first in an ongoing series.
Sorted by discipline.

Geology
"Yo momma's so old, her previous address was in Pangea"

Grad School Snaps is a joint production of blogger.com and Shucky McTurbuckle Enterprises. Made possible thanks to a generous grant from the Archer Daniels Midland corporation. Archer Daniels: Supermarket to the world.

Wacky Improv Comedy Troupes With Meat-Related Names: Real or Made-Up?

2007-03-08T08:56:00.000-08:00

1. Rubber Chicken Factory

2. Chicken Chow Maine

3. Chicken Ranch

4. Hot Beef Infection

5. The Tenderloins

6. Beefquake

7. Bacon, Laughter and Tomato

8. Oscar Meyer Wieners, Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs, and Steve McKenna’s Penis

9. Fratelli Bologna

10. Bearded Lamb

11. Meatloaf 2000

12. Last Ham Standing

13. Hamateur Hour

14. The Hamazons

15. The Ham-O Sapiens

16. Ham Radio

17. Ham, Ham Thank You Ma’am

18. Lucky Ham

19. That’s Not A Bratwurst!

20. Saturday Night Liverwurst

21. Giggleburger ‘n’ Fries

22. Mama’s Pot Roast

23. Chicago Style Beef Curtains

24. Baloney Rodeo

25. The Beef Smugglers

26. Whistling Shrimp

27. Jurassic Pork

28. Here’s the Beef!

29. Veal American Heroes

30. Pork & Dreamz

31. Ground Chuckles

32. Salami, Myself, and I

33. The Bacon Stranglers

34. Scorned Beef

35. Beef Stupid

36. Who Farted On These Pork Chops?

Actual: 1, 3, 5, 9, 10, 12, 14, 18, 22, 24, 26 (Seriously, you can probably find them on the Internet or something. I did some work on this one.)
Made-up: The rest.

Funny, But Makes You Think

2007-03-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

There’s an old joke:
How do you make God laugh?
Make a plan.

And that got me thinking:
How do you make God laugh… at Himself?
Trick Him into drinking your piss.

Because He’d have to admit that you got Him pretty good.