Customer Service Letter
Dear Customer,
We have noticed that you haven’t used your Store credit card in a while. You didn’t think we would find out, did you? But we did. We always do. Because we’re always watching. The store is full of cameras, as you probably know. And there’s guys whose job it is to just watch those cameras all the time. And there’s cameras on those guys, too. And guys who watch those guys, and cameras on those guys. And so on. And in our offices, there's a wall that has over 100 monitors in it, so we see everything. We also get like a million cable channels. And free pay-per-view.
We’ve also got computers. Enormous computers. Computers that can talk. Computers the size of your house, and they’re always on: compiling data, crunching numbers, looking for patterns, getting warm, having their fans turn on.
Every time you make a purchase on your Store credit card, the register sends an electronic signal through the telephone wires. Your purchase is printed on a little punchcard that gets sent to a remote warehouse full of cages. In those cages are pigeons. Pigeons with bottles in their claws. Your punchcard goes into a bottle, the pigeon is released, it flies over the ocean and drops it in. The bottle rides the ocean currents until it reaches us. Then we know. And we smile.
But when you don’t make a purchase, your pigeon gets anxious. It gets nervous. It paces back and forth in its cage, wondering when his number will come up. When enough time passes without a purchase, the pigeon goes into a toxic rage, wildly thrashing against the walls of his cage until he literally tears off his own beak, wings and reproductive organs. It’s a mess.
We know you think that using your Store credit card too often is for pussies. We know you hate birds (obviously). But you haven’t used your Store credit card in like five months, and you only spent like 25 dollars. Come on! Just use the goddamn card. You could use some new pants or something, we bet. It just sucks that you're being like this, you know? You used to be cool. You've changed.
Quit being an asshole.
Shirts are on sale.
Hope to see you soon!
Your Store
We have noticed that you haven’t used your Store credit card in a while. You didn’t think we would find out, did you? But we did. We always do. Because we’re always watching. The store is full of cameras, as you probably know. And there’s guys whose job it is to just watch those cameras all the time. And there’s cameras on those guys, too. And guys who watch those guys, and cameras on those guys. And so on. And in our offices, there's a wall that has over 100 monitors in it, so we see everything. We also get like a million cable channels. And free pay-per-view.
We’ve also got computers. Enormous computers. Computers that can talk. Computers the size of your house, and they’re always on: compiling data, crunching numbers, looking for patterns, getting warm, having their fans turn on.
Every time you make a purchase on your Store credit card, the register sends an electronic signal through the telephone wires. Your purchase is printed on a little punchcard that gets sent to a remote warehouse full of cages. In those cages are pigeons. Pigeons with bottles in their claws. Your punchcard goes into a bottle, the pigeon is released, it flies over the ocean and drops it in. The bottle rides the ocean currents until it reaches us. Then we know. And we smile.
But when you don’t make a purchase, your pigeon gets anxious. It gets nervous. It paces back and forth in its cage, wondering when his number will come up. When enough time passes without a purchase, the pigeon goes into a toxic rage, wildly thrashing against the walls of his cage until he literally tears off his own beak, wings and reproductive organs. It’s a mess.
We know you think that using your Store credit card too often is for pussies. We know you hate birds (obviously). But you haven’t used your Store credit card in like five months, and you only spent like 25 dollars. Come on! Just use the goddamn card. You could use some new pants or something, we bet. It just sucks that you're being like this, you know? You used to be cool. You've changed.
Quit being an asshole.
Shirts are on sale.
Hope to see you soon!
Your Store
posted by Nathan at 1:41 PM
3 comments
